So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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