I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
