dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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