1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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