I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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