when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
