why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize