i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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