Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
