I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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