It's like God shit irony all over that family
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
