I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
