I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize