I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize