Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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