I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
