so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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