Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
