You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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