I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
