captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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