I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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