I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
