That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
