I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
