I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
