It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
