You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
