Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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