yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
