I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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