i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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