chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
