My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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