Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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