Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
