What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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