OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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