Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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