I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
