Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
