We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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