she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize