Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
