eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Small penises have feelings too.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
