So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
