someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
