I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
never play flip cup with pint glasses
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
