you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
