If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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