So drunk, too bad you don't want this
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I am midnight drunk by noon
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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