And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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