I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just high enough for therapy.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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