I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
