The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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