saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
