sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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