Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
