I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
