if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
