my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I wish there were birth control emojis
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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