you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
