So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize