I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
