A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
