John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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