OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
